Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
