the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
