Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
