I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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