just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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