I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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