I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
