he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
