No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
