dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
