**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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