my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize