I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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