I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
