My Higher Power is John Stamos
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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