Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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