I just saw a hot homeless man
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
