Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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