he shaved USA in his pubs
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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