Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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