Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
