i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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