'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
