Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize