This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
