After last night, I could never be a politician.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
