So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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