i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
