just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
