I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
This house was built for laser tag.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
