Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
