Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
