Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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