his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
