my phone needs a breathalizer
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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