if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
