Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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