I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
