My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
