I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
last night I used snow as a chaser
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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