wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
All I want is dick and wine.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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