if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
