News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
