I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
we're so committed to being not committed
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
