It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
