if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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