Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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