Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
