My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize