I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
