I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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