my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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