I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
