Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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