in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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