Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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