I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
