Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
